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life drains life
Maybe it's just me
Maybe it's also you.
When I feel too much joy it ends up
taking pieces of me.
I feel parts fading
over and over again.
Sure it's being replenished by various sources but that does not make it less invasive.
Every time I enjoy myself I fear repercussions.
I dread the low after the high
Like crashing from a sugar, drug , or whatever high
You sometimes forget it's coming until it's too late.
But once it slaps you across the face with an iron rod, you regret
You think twice about your choices and your decisions.
What lead me here? What lead you here?
How did we get to this place?
How do we get out and do we really want to?
The human mind is a very confusing idea.
It makes stuff up as it goes, as it falls, as it tumbles and crashes.
It shatters into a million pieces just so we can put it back together.
Life drains Life.
what color are your thoughts today?
is it a bright and shiny day?
a day where red and green and blue sparkle in the brisk winter air?
where colors mix and wondrous creations emerge from deep within your soul?
where worlds spring from your imagination that let you dream of the perfect future?
or is it a dark and gloomy day.
a day where black and grey are dripping from the cracks that make up your fragile foundation.
a day that has your heart oozing darkness because there is no more light to be found.
Or is it something in between?
a day where colors are not present
a day where it all intertwines , making it impossible to tell.
making it impossible to want to tell.
making it an insignificant thought that you couldn’t be bothered by.
is it one of those empty, lifeless, dreamless, thought-less days?
the kind that exist , but really do not.
the kind that
go by in an instant after what seemed like an eternity
the kind that spring from a thought and end in none.
when it feels like a snowstorm
the sort that makes the world go numb and silent
that drowns out the noise of life itself.
that drowns all life
that drowns you.
i wish i wish i wish i wish i wish iwhsiwhwdiwhhshs
the wish is always the same
it is always something different
it is never what i am
it is never what i have
it is always what i want
it is always the future
never the present
sometimes the past
how can it never be now
why can it never be me?
i need to come to terms
not only with my expectations
but also with my desires
my hopes and dreams are not what they need to be
they need to be attainable and achievable
not stupidly idealistic
naively reaching for the sky
when all i can do
is stare from the ground
stare into a future that might never exist
turning it down never seems to be an option
i never seem to be the right option
the right choice
how do i change my preference?
how do I change?
happiness, crashing, crash
like coming off of a sugar high
the morning after one to many
until its not
its washing over me
until it drowns me
it pounds me
then i;m crushed
its crashing, then i crash
happiness crashing , the aftermath of something great
i'm still deciding if it's lower than what was before or
if it just feels stronger because its coming from a higher place
it is so hard trying to hold on
trying to keep the feeling alive
when all it does is
Happiness Sadness Happiness
sadness happiness happiness
happiness happiness sadness
sadness sadness sadness.
its been a while
its been some time
i have wallowed in negative spaces for a long time
i have been searching for the other side since
since when, I don't know
I can't tell
I can't feel
It has eluded me again and again
I found a glimpse
I felt a breath of it
the slightest touch caressed my spirit , tonight
tonight tonight tonight
i want to hold on but i know
i know that is not an option
i need to create more glimpses
i need to put myself in situations that are healing
that mend my sould and repair my mental health
i don't want to have to cherish every soothing sensation
i want to know
that behind the next corner
around the next bend
I will find another
forever , until death do us part
until death becomes but a mere speck on the horizon
I want to build on this feeling
I need to build on it
So it can become the base of what is to come
So it can become the foundation of tomorrow
today was good
today was perfect.
Thank you <3
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You are my Paris.
You are my goal shrouded in clouds.
You are where my hopes and aspirations culminate.
Shiny, sparkly, and aromatic.
With every breath I can feel that you are what is missing.
Filling my lungs with a sense of euphoria.
My heart, skipping more than a few beats.
You are my Paris.
You are my destination.