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Suicides suck

In general

and also specifically

Recently multiple twitch streamers have ended their life

Streamers i've been watching and some i hadn't

Usually I'm pretty far removed from the deaths of others

especially if they aren't directly in my life

like a famous person and such.

but these streamer's deaths hit me differently

im assuming because I can relate more closely

They've been battling depression for ever

they like playing video games and watching anime

just doing their things and entertaining people on the side

i don't entertain anybody but otherwise i'm pretty similar

i don't really enjoy real life interactions most times

i'd rather hang out online

real life interactions get to be a lot sometimes i guess

but they are still important

once you go offline and you are alone with your thoughts it can get dark

it can stay dark

you crave the worlds of your favourite anime characters

you wish for the story line of the game you are playing

you want your life to be more

at the same time.

you know you actually don't.

you thrive in desiring and wishing, but not in

actually fulfilling these thoughts.

I know i'm generalizing things

I'm going off of myself and how I feel

and off of how others I know feel.

So after the first bigger streamer took his life

others realized that he had managed to escape

he managed to free himself from the daily struggle they all deal with

and they followed.

I don't know how many days and nights i spent

back when I was younger

thinking about the same thing.

Life seemed to be too much and too sad most times.

The bullying, the laughs, the ridiculing

the directionlessnes of everything


I didn't understand it

I wanted to vanish more often than I wanted to exist.

Obviously I didn't vanish

And it's been a while since I've had that desire flare up

But with recent events those memories have come back up

Not active thoughts, just passive remembrance

And I don't know how to feel about it

These mostly unknown people taking their life has made me sad

I don't want to be sad.

I really don't.

Especially with the whole avoiding real life interactions

If i'm sad I crave hugs and closeness

Which don't exist.

My other way of coping with sadness is way less constructive

more destructive

I'm over that too.

I feel very conflicted

conflicted , sad and annoyed

I know you can't ever begin to understand someone elses actions

especially when trying to figure out suicide

They had good lives, they looked good, they had friends

they had money, they had fans, they streamed

They were fighting depression daily

After waking up, during the day and while falling asleep.

It's not fair

It feels like it's one of the most unfair things

Mine has been getting better as of late

but it still lingers

it still lures me in from time to time

I don't really have anywhere i'm going with all of this

I just needed to try and help these thoughts out of my head

they have been hurting me

it's the wrong kind of pain

I need to find a way to be happy

I don't want my demons getting the better of me

I really, really don't
9.7.20 05:03


Zeit hält dich nicht fern

stillt den Schmerz nicht mehr

In allem was ich suchte hab' ich dich entdeckt

In jeder die ich liebte hast du dich versteckt

Zeit hält dich nicht fern

Zeit hält dich nicht mehr
19.7.19 04:04

Hiding in Plain sight

Hiding, yet seen.

Camouflaged, yet fully naked.

Deceivingly obviously honest.

Exposed at all times, but never revealing.

I say apple but you hear pear.

I ask questions that don't need answering. 

Means to an end.

My words are full of my deepest possible truth and yet, they are very far removed.

I keep thinking about what you might want to hear and how i can say it.

I'm trying to be 'catchy' and witty and things you might be interested in.

This sounds like i am lying and plotting and planning.

I am , I am also not.

The inept ability of mine to socialize is making things tough.

I've read and seen enough to know.

But not enough to understand and replicate.

Small-talk to me is not simply that. It is always a grandiose talk.

It always forces me to over think, analyze and scheme. 

Replying to something you said al-natural is not within my skill set.

I use your words against you, but not in ill will.

I have to. There is currently no other way.

I still use my own words. My own thoughts. My own narrative.

I just adjust it based on the needs of others around me.

Based on your needs. On mine. On potentially ours?

I'm getting ahead of myself. Creating a story line that only exists in the stars.

How i wish i could pluck them off this dark and hollow canvas.

Force-feed them to my heart. Like stuffed goose liver.

You get the point.

I want to create what i want. What I need. What I so dearly desire.

Leaving my faith to an unknown force seems so fleeting.

Wasteful almost. 

Sometimes floating can be as invigorating as anything.

Other times steering makes more sense.

I am done letting the winds decide what path i take and how my story ends. 

I need to become the wind. Forceful yet delicate. 

I'm beginning to sound a bit removed.

This isn't about me. It is about you.


And yet. There is no us. There will never be an "us".

We were created in a fictitious mind.

Born from desire, lust and neglect.

Wishful thinking at its best.

Let's see where this leads for now. 

For now, that is all i wish for. 

A glimpse. A soft touch. A breath. 

Your breath. Your glimpse. Your touch.

If only you and me existed in the same world.

If only.
1.7.19 18:27

life drains life


Maybe it's just me

Maybe it's also you.

When I feel too much joy it ends up 

taking pieces of me.

I feel parts fading

over and over again.

Sure it's being replenished by various sources but that does not make it less invasive.

Every time I enjoy myself I fear repercussions.

I dread the low after the high

Like crashing from a sugar, drug , or whatever high

You sometimes forget it's coming until it's too late.

But once it slaps you across the face with an iron rod, you regret

You think twice about your choices and your decisions.

What lead me here? What lead you here?

How did we get to this place?

How do we get out and do we really want to?

The human mind is a very confusing idea.

It makes stuff up as it goes, as it falls, as it tumbles and crashes.

It shatters into a million pieces just so we can put it back together.

Life drains Life.
20.3.19 02:43

what color are your thoughts today?

is it a bright and shiny day?

a day where red and green and blue sparkle in the brisk winter air?

where colors mix and wondrous creations emerge from deep within your soul?

where worlds spring from your imagination that let you dream of the perfect future?

or is it a dark and gloomy day.

a day where black and grey are dripping from the cracks that make up your fragile foundation.

a day that has your heart oozing darkness because there is no more light to be found.

Or is it something in between?

a day where colors are not present

a day where it all intertwines , making it impossible to tell.

making it impossible to want to tell.

making it an insignificant thought that you couldn’t be bothered by.

is it one of those empty, lifeless, dreamless, thought-less days?

you know,

the kind that exist , but really do not.

the kind that

go by in an instant after what seemed like an eternity

the kind that spring from a thought and end in none.

when it feels like a snowstorm

the sort that makes the world go numb and silent

that drowns out the noise of life itself.

that drowns all life

that drowns you.

you drown.
16.3.19 03:05

i wish i wish i wish i wish i wish iwhsiwhwdiwhhshs

the wish is always the same

it is always something different

it is never what i am

it is never what i have

it is always what i want

it is always the future

never the present

sometimes the past

how can it never be now

why can it never be me?

i need to come to terms 

not only with my expectations 

but also with my desires

my hopes and dreams are not what they need to be

they need to be attainable and achievable

not stupidly idealistic

naively reaching for the sky 

when all i can do 

is stare from the ground

stare into a future that might never exist

turning it down never seems to be an option

i never seem to be the right option

the right choice

how do i change my preference?

how do I change?

22.2.19 03:57

happiness, crashing, crash

like coming off of a sugar high

the morning after one to many 

its creeping 

until its not

its washing over me

until it drowns me

it pounds me

then i;m crushed

its crashing, then i crash

happiness crashing , the aftermath of something great

i'm still deciding if it's lower than what was before or

if it just feels stronger because its coming from a higher place

it is so hard trying to hold on

trying to keep the feeling alive

when all it does is

slowly wither

slowly die
20.2.19 07:30

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