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and also specifically
Recently multiple twitch streamers have ended their life
Streamers i've been watching and some i hadn't
Usually I'm pretty far removed from the deaths of others
especially if they aren't directly in my life
like a famous person and such.
but these streamer's deaths hit me differently
im assuming because I can relate more closely
They've been battling depression for ever
they like playing video games and watching anime
just doing their things and entertaining people on the side
i don't entertain anybody but otherwise i'm pretty similar
i don't really enjoy real life interactions most times
i'd rather hang out online
real life interactions get to be a lot sometimes i guess
but they are still important
once you go offline and you are alone with your thoughts it can get dark
it can stay dark
you crave the worlds of your favourite anime characters
you wish for the story line of the game you are playing
you want your life to be more
at the same time.
you know you actually don't.
you thrive in desiring and wishing, but not in
actually fulfilling these thoughts.
I know i'm generalizing things
I'm going off of myself and how I feel
and off of how others I know feel.
So after the first bigger streamer took his life
others realized that he had managed to escape
he managed to free himself from the daily struggle they all deal with
and they followed.
I don't know how many days and nights i spent
back when I was younger
thinking about the same thing.
Life seemed to be too much and too sad most times.
The bullying, the laughs, the ridiculing
the directionlessnes of everything
I didn't understand it
I wanted to vanish more often than I wanted to exist.
Obviously I didn't vanish
And it's been a while since I've had that desire flare up
But with recent events those memories have come back up
Not active thoughts, just passive remembrance
And I don't know how to feel about it
These mostly unknown people taking their life has made me sad
I don't want to be sad.
I really don't.
Especially with the whole avoiding real life interactions
If i'm sad I crave hugs and closeness
Which don't exist.
My other way of coping with sadness is way less constructive
I'm over that too.
I feel very conflicted
conflicted , sad and annoyed
I know you can't ever begin to understand someone elses actions
especially when trying to figure out suicide
They had good lives, they looked good, they had friends
they had money, they had fans, they streamed
They were fighting depression daily
After waking up, during the day and while falling asleep.
It's not fair
It feels like it's one of the most unfair things
Mine has been getting better as of late
but it still lingers
it still lures me in from time to time
I don't really have anywhere i'm going with all of this
I just needed to try and help these thoughts out of my head
they have been hurting me
it's the wrong kind of pain
I need to find a way to be happy
I don't want my demons getting the better of me
I really, really don't
Zeit hält dich nicht fern
stillt den Schmerz nicht mehr
In allem was ich suchte hab' ich dich entdeckt
In jeder die ich liebte hast du dich versteckt
Zeit hält dich nicht fern
Zeit hält dich nicht mehr
Hiding in Plain sight
Hiding, yet seen.
Camouflaged, yet fully naked.
Deceivingly obviously honest.
Exposed at all times, but never revealing.
I say apple but you hear pear.
I ask questions that don't need answering.
Means to an end.
My words are full of my deepest possible truth and yet, they are very far removed.
I keep thinking about what you might want to hear and how i can say it.
I'm trying to be 'catchy' and witty and things you might be interested in.
This sounds like i am lying and plotting and planning.
I am , I am also not.
The inept ability of mine to socialize is making things tough.
I've read and seen enough to know.
But not enough to understand and replicate.
Small-talk to me is not simply that. It is always a grandiose talk.
It always forces me to over think, analyze and scheme.
Replying to something you said al-natural is not within my skill set.
I use your words against you, but not in ill will.
I have to. There is currently no other way.
I still use my own words. My own thoughts. My own narrative.
I just adjust it based on the needs of others around me.
Based on your needs. On mine. On potentially ours?
I'm getting ahead of myself. Creating a story line that only exists in the stars.
How i wish i could pluck them off this dark and hollow canvas.
Force-feed them to my heart. Like stuffed goose liver.
You get the point.
I want to create what i want. What I need. What I so dearly desire.
Leaving my faith to an unknown force seems so fleeting.
Sometimes floating can be as invigorating as anything.
Other times steering makes more sense.
I am done letting the winds decide what path i take and how my story ends.
I need to become the wind. Forceful yet delicate.
I'm beginning to sound a bit removed.
This isn't about me. It is about you.
And yet. There is no us. There will never be an "us".
We were created in a fictitious mind.
Born from desire, lust and neglect.
Wishful thinking at its best.
Let's see where this leads for now.
For now, that is all i wish for.
A glimpse. A soft touch. A breath.
Your breath. Your glimpse. Your touch.
If only you and me existed in the same world.
life drains life
Maybe it's just me
Maybe it's also you.
When I feel too much joy it ends up
taking pieces of me.
I feel parts fading
over and over again.
Sure it's being replenished by various sources but that does not make it less invasive.
Every time I enjoy myself I fear repercussions.
I dread the low after the high
Like crashing from a sugar, drug , or whatever high
You sometimes forget it's coming until it's too late.
But once it slaps you across the face with an iron rod, you regret
You think twice about your choices and your decisions.
What lead me here? What lead you here?
How did we get to this place?
How do we get out and do we really want to?
The human mind is a very confusing idea.
It makes stuff up as it goes, as it falls, as it tumbles and crashes.
It shatters into a million pieces just so we can put it back together.
Life drains Life.
what color are your thoughts today?
is it a bright and shiny day?
a day where red and green and blue sparkle in the brisk winter air?
where colors mix and wondrous creations emerge from deep within your soul?
where worlds spring from your imagination that let you dream of the perfect future?
or is it a dark and gloomy day.
a day where black and grey are dripping from the cracks that make up your fragile foundation.
a day that has your heart oozing darkness because there is no more light to be found.
Or is it something in between?
a day where colors are not present
a day where it all intertwines , making it impossible to tell.
making it impossible to want to tell.
making it an insignificant thought that you couldn’t be bothered by.
is it one of those empty, lifeless, dreamless, thought-less days?
the kind that exist , but really do not.
the kind that
go by in an instant after what seemed like an eternity
the kind that spring from a thought and end in none.
when it feels like a snowstorm
the sort that makes the world go numb and silent
that drowns out the noise of life itself.
that drowns all life
that drowns you.
i wish i wish i wish i wish i wish iwhsiwhwdiwhhshs
the wish is always the same
it is always something different
it is never what i am
it is never what i have
it is always what i want
it is always the future
never the present
sometimes the past
how can it never be now
why can it never be me?
i need to come to terms
not only with my expectations
but also with my desires
my hopes and dreams are not what they need to be
they need to be attainable and achievable
not stupidly idealistic
naively reaching for the sky
when all i can do
is stare from the ground
stare into a future that might never exist
turning it down never seems to be an option
i never seem to be the right option
the right choice
how do i change my preference?
how do I change?
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happiness, crashing, crash
like coming off of a sugar high
the morning after one to many
until its not
its washing over me
until it drowns me
it pounds me
then i;m crushed
its crashing, then i crash
happiness crashing , the aftermath of something great
i'm still deciding if it's lower than what was before or
if it just feels stronger because its coming from a higher place
it is so hard trying to hold on
trying to keep the feeling alive
when all it does is